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tuesday ramblings

September 2, 2008

I seem to be running short on blog inspiration lately. Really, I am running short on inspiration in general. I have come to the point where I feel like I am trying to do so many things that I am doing none of them well. Do you ever feel like that? I’m feeling frustrated with life in a lot of ways. Nothing is quite what I want it to be right now. Money is tight, kids are out of control, the house is a mess, and I’m feeling spiritually stagnant. I have this image of what I want my life to be and it is so far from reality that I feel like quitting. I’m not talking about possessions here. I’m talking about me – the person I am, the character that reveals itself every time I am put to the test. It is like that passage in Romans:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Romans 7:15-24

That is it. That is exactly how I feel. I know that the answer is in the next verse: “Thanks be to God – through Christ Jesus our Lord!” I know that I don’t have the power to do anything. I know that only Christ can produce good in me. But how? How do I become like Christ? How do I contain all of the evil that comes naturally and only let Christ shine through? I’ve said many times, “Okay God, you take over today. You are in control.” But I still have to open my mouth and speak. I still have to breathe and think and act. And what comes out of me naturally is never Christ.

I want my kids to see God’s love in me. I don’t want them to see in me all the reasons that they want nothing to do with faith. I think that is my biggest fear – that the reality of my struggles with faith, and my complete inability to be Christlike in anything, will steer them away from Him.

Sorry if that was too much honesty for a gloomy Tuesday morning.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. ransom33 permalink
    September 2, 2008 3:15 pm

    Hello there,

    I am a mother of two and a wife just like you and I know exactly what you are saying and how you feel, but judging by the content of your blog and your awareness of your own shortcomings, I am sure your children will most certainly benefit from a mother who is honest about the highs and the lows of her own faith journey. You are being true to what you are experiencing, and as your children grow up, I am sure they will know that everything their mum felt and shared with them was 100% genuine and the result of personal experience, as oppossed to the “prosperity gospel” that some Christians profess (where accepting Christ into our lives translates into a life free of suffering and difficulties) , forgetting the other side of the coin of Christianity which alerts us to pain, rejection, diying to self and picking up our cross.

    Keep being genuine and that in itself will be the best testimony your children will inherit from you.

    Blessings,

    Your sister in Christ,

    ransom33 at http://www.ransom33.wordpress.com

  2. Darrel Munson permalink
    September 3, 2008 1:51 am

    Your inability to be perfectly Christlike though it is a struggle for you is not what your children will see. Your choice to continue trying despite the inability is what they will remember and admire.

  3. scrabblenut permalink*
    September 3, 2008 6:30 am

    Thanks for the encouragement. Some days I just wish God had “perfected my faith” long before I had kids.

  4. September 3, 2008 8:12 am

    You are not alone in this struggle. I have had many days that felt like the above. My only answer has come in taking small steps taken one at a time always asking for Him to help me have more of Him and less of me.
    You know me:) so you know I am still taking these small steps moment by moment.

  5. ransom33 permalink
    September 3, 2008 8:16 am

    If that had been the case, your children would have not been able to experience first hand (through you) the highs and the lows of faith, which no doubt they will experience too. You have given them a point of reference, a beacon, so that when they go through tough times themselves, they do not despair and lose hope. They will be encouraged in the knowledge that it is all part of the journey of becoming Christ-like.

    If your faith had always been perfect, they themselves would have felt like failures when they grow up and make mistakes or fall short of who God created them. to be.

    http://www.ransom33.wordpress.com

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